#IKnowMyWorth (The Origin Story)

If you've ever followed any of my social media, you would have seen by now the hashtag #IKnowMyWorth trailing some recent announcement, rant, (not so) humblebrag, or "astute" observation.  Recently, an article was published where I got a subtle nod about its usage and I it inspired me to write about why I use it so ubiquitously.

#IWILLBEGREATERTHAN

TJ & Me

A few years ago I was in a long-form musical team with a fantastic group of actors.  I would say I was a novice to intermediary player at the time and was still getting used to the idea that I could maybe have some success doing the whole improv things.  The more senior players on the team played multiple shows a week for the theatre we were playing at and forced me to have to buckle down to answer "What kind of player am I?"  We were so full of talent; we had the zany guy, the super smart and wickedly funny girl, the power duo that could anchor the entire show by themselves if they wanted, and the stupidly skilled musical genius who can stop a show with a rousing number.  I needed to figure out where I fit in.  Through the rehearsal process, I met TJ Medel.

TJ was new to this level of improv gawdliness too.  He was (and still is) super talented in his ability to not only act but to hold the attention of a crowd.  I felt like I could learn a lot from watching and playing with him and we could rise together in the ranks of the improv malaise known as "Making It in Chicago".

One night we were driving back to his place after rehearsal and I had noticed through social media that he had been using the hashtag #IWillBeGreaterThan on a pretty frequent basis so I asked him about it.  The short story was that he had a falling out with someone who told him he wouldn't amount to anything by pursuing his artistic passions; it hurt him so much to feel so disrespected and unsupported, he used that pain to fuel his artistic endeavors to become successes and show her that he will "be greater than" anything she could've expected or even dream of him doing.  I completely resonated with that story because I operate along the same lines in taking adversity and turning it into something positive as a big FU to those who doubted me.  Little did I know how that story would manifest a new hashtag later down the line.

The Set-Up

Meme captured and designed by Angela Heid

Fast-forward to a couple of years ago.  I hooked up with a new crew of actors doing long-form improvisation over at a major theatre in Chicago on a regular basis (yes, I'm keeping it vague on purpose!).  Artistically I was now at a different personal space having worked hard to establish a number of indie teams and toured a bit around the nation performing and teaching workshops; thus, I've had time to hone in on what my "voice" was, i.e. be able to succinctly articulate and perform the kind of improv I enjoyed doing.  The group I was playing with had a varying degree of talent ranging from experienced to beginner, and due to how the operation was being run, coaches were swapped in and out roughly ever 6-8 weeks.  My hope was that by showing that I could handle myself on stage, being supportive and attentive during rehearsals, and being social off-stage, I would be given an opportunity to show what I could do as a coach. And guess what - the opportunity DID present itself!

Sort of.

I had spoken with the powers-that-be about me helming workshops on musical improv for the team.  I knew it'd be a good fit since I had already been teaching it on a regular basis and had experience performing it for the last 10 years.  I was given a date and was ecstatic about doing it.

The date was a few weeks away from the initial planning and I had begun formulating an approach for the workshop.  As we got closer to the date, my Spidey Sense was going off and told me to go check out the team calendar they had set up with all of our show dates, rehearsals, and workshops reflected.  I went to the date of my workshop and saw an entry there - but with someone else leading it.

#DaFuq?

The person leading the musical workshop was totally capable of doing so but they had pulled them in from outside of the rank-and-file team members to help; this person lacked the personal history with the actors to assess individual skills and cater the workshop to take advantage people's strengths  while helping their weaknesses.  In time, yes, they would get to know these pesky details but why not go with someone who was already up to speed?  I had sacrificed a lot of personal time, money, and effort to be a contributing member to the team and felt like I got slapped in the face.  They didn't even bother to notify me about the change.

So, after allowing some time to pass, I put together a simple message asking the producer, "For the musical workshop, I see that X is leading it.  Is that correct?"  I got back something to the effect of, "Yes.  They'll be leading that workshop."   I waited roughly half an hour for some kind of elaboration or reasoning behind the decision.  It never came.  So, I wrote back, "Thank you", closed the window, and decided immediately that it would be the last time I would be working with the team.

I forgot to mention that were doing a ton of regular rehearsal to play in shows in large teams for roughly 15 minutes every other week on an off-night.  Over time the quality of instruction was inconsistent and rehearsals felt sluggish due to early morning start times and actors being actors the night before performing, rehearsing, or just plain actually having a social life outside of improv.  I was spending roughly 8 hours a month rehearsing to play a maximum of 30 minutes (with up to 10 other people).  To add insult, even though though we were supposed to be headlining all of our shows, we would have openers that would either have more stage time than us or would actually play after we got off stage (way to headline, y'all!).  All of these small inconveniences and personal grumbles compounded over time, and I was ready to allow some other transgression to make me throw in the towel on the whole endeavor.  That workshop substitution move satisfied the requirement.

The Punchline (#IKNOWMYWORTH)

I KNOW MY WORTH!!!

If there is one thing I've learned is that success is the best revenge.  When I was younger I would obsess about getting even with people I felt wronged me; I would put together elaborate plots of intricate payback in my head and play scenarios over and over in my head in great detail.  Vast amounts of energy were spent plotting the demise of others - most of which never came to fruition.  With the passage of time and gaining life experience (along with some much needed therapy), I've learned to manage my anger more and channel it into more productive ways.  Now I admit that this isn't necessarily the best approach for my mental health overall but I get turned on by the idea of getting a fire lit under my arse to overcome adversity and imagining my haters talking schnizz behind my back despite their bets efforts to block me.  They may not actually be foaming at the mouth to wish ill will on me, but I use the semi-fictitious narrative to propel me forward (I really need to go back to therapy).

I decided at this point to commit myself even more to reaching milestones that automatically garnered respect from my peers; that included teaching/coaching in major institutions, performing and leading lucrative workshops across the nation, producing new shows, and picking up hard-to-find skills in the community such as musical directing.  In conversations with my close friends about my feelings, I kept repeating, "I know my worth. I don't need this."  After what felt like the billionth time saying it, I suddenly remembered TJ's story and thought, "We've got similar MOs [methods of operation].  I'm going to pay homage to my homie."  Thus, #IKnowMyWorth has become branded on a majority of my social media posts so that sucka producers are aware that I've got the ambition to overcome them when they decide to become gatekeepers to my future.

Spoiler-Free For 30+ Years

I am special. Somehow, at an early age, I had developed an immunity to people "spoiling" a show or movie for me. You can tell me everything that's going to happen and I'll still go see it because the art of storytelling is held by few and many details are left out in the telling of a story. Most people can tell you the "what" of a story but many times they leave out the "how" & the "why" which is what I get to experience for myself.

Case in point: I remember my Dad taking my brother to go see the Clint Eastwood classic  "Firefox", a 1980's Cold War spy thriller where an American Vietnam war pilot is trained to steal an advanced Russian warplane from the heart of the Soviet Union.  I was so envious they had the chance to see it (it was treated "R") that I settled for the next best thing - I had my Dad tell me the entire movie. I sat on the floor of his room for an hour patiently as he explained the intricate plot points, the interactions between the characters, the motivations behind those characters, and the results of decisions made throughout the movie. By the end of the storytelling session, I felt as if I had seen the movie myself.

I eventually rented the movie from the video store and watched it. My Dad's telling of the story was incredibly accurate and have me a deeper understanding of what I was watching. His rendition of events couldn't capture what I thought at the time were some of the best special effects on a movie; I really thought all of the scenes with the plane were so good that I was truly there. I didn't feel that I lost any enjoyment of the source material even though I already knew what was going to happen. I've read Wikipedia summaries of the show "Lost" while watching the episodes during DVD-binging marathons, have had kids tell me the plot points of "Knight Rider" episodes while I was on bio breaks, and have pieced together movies based on parody movies I've seen elsewhere. I never once felt like I missed out on the chance to discover something new for myself.

These days people lose their bloody minds of you "spoil" things for them. To me that level of investment over a movie or TV show is too much. A good story is a good story no matter how is conveyed and can be enjoyed no matter how many times you've heard it before.

Looks Like I'm Doing Something Right

Last night during my break from teaching class, I locked eyes with a fellow instructor in the teacher's lounge.  She looked like she wanted to connect so I introduced myself and she said, "Oh my God!  YOU'RE Nelson!"  I was taken a little bit by surprise but kept my cool.  She then said, "I have a lot of your former students in your class and they say 'Oh Nelson taught this' and 'Oh, Nelson has taught us that' and I could tell that they really did learn things from you.  I know you really know what you're doing."

That felt absolutely awesome.

I did my best to stay humble and accept those comments without losing my cot damn mind and thinking I was awesome.  I think I did a good job by just smiling even harder and maintaining eye contact during our conversation.  We talked a bit about our respective histories at the training center and what our approaches were for teaching improv to our students were.

My approach to teaching improvisation is to not only expose my students to new, exciting ideas, games, and connections, but also explain the theatrical philosophy behind the usage of those items and give them consistent, practical real-time tools that they can use for themselves to explore the artform while trying to develop their own artistic voices.  Some tools may work for them while other may not, but at least they understand the theory behind the tools.  The other teacher and I resonated on this and that felt ultra-cool!

It was nice to know that I had made a large impact on my students; so much so that my name is being spoken in high regard to other teachers and piquing their interest in finding who I am. I must be doing something right.

Why Ain't I Sad

My father passed away on December 3rd, 2016.  I haven't really thought about his passing too much.  However, lately he has been on the mind as my toddler of a daughter resembles my dad so much.  Everyone who interacts with her sees my father's face & mannerisms in the various cute expressions she exhibits.  Although I cherish those things, I feel guilty for not being devastated by his passing.

My first pawppy ever Lola is dying.  I love her very much and it was through her that I got myself mentally prepared for the idea of being a father to human children.  However, I can't seem to bring myself to deal with her declining health.  For some odd reason I can imagine a life without her and feel guilty that I feel that way when I see others who shutdown completely when their pets are sick or pass away.  So, I've got to ask...

...what is wrong with me?

I've watched enough 1970's & '80s television to know that everyone mourns differently.  I know that it could hit me loike a ton of bricks when I least expect it.  I'm still waiting for it to hit me for my father's passing and I'm not really into lamenting Lola's passing either.  Am I running away from my emotions?  Am I suppressing them to keep my sanity?  I don't know but I still feel very guilty regardless.

Guess I'll find out when Lola finally does meet her maker.  until then, I'll struggle with my feelings of how I should feel versus accepting what I actually feel.

Festivals: Celebrating Passions

Impronol at Trill Comedy Festival

I adore going to improv festivals.  It's a chance to show your wares and depending on the caliber of the improv festival, a good way to raise your stock in the community, make connections, and hopefully get invited to perform or teach elsewhere.  Improv festivals require a certain mindset from the people who apply:

• Festivals Are Full of Fawkery
  Festivals are large, living organisms comprised of a lot of individual, independent cells, i.e., volunteers ,staff, and talent; they evolve in a blink of an eye and you have to be ready to accept that change. Anticipate that your time slot, venue, line-up, and/or living accommodations will change multiple times and will little to no warning.  Many processes, promises, and practices are put into place to give festival talent a showcase with a viewing audience.  You as an attendee just have to roll with it or otherwise lose your mind with disappointment, bitterness, and outright contempt.
  
• Everything Is An Audition
  The application process is an audition to get into the festival.  Upon arrival, you begin interacting with the staff and volunteers of the festival who are working hard to execute what's needed; they are judging you to see if you're easy to work with or a pain in the ass to ignore.  Your show itself is being judged by not only the people who brought you in as they only saw a 5-15 minute part of a full show to determine if you were worth bringing in; they want to make sure they didn't make a mistake; but by as the other teams on your slot and the festival.  Those teams are asking themselves, "Why does this team deserve to be here in this slot over my team?"  Assuming you did a good show, you are being watched to see how gracious and humble you are about your performance and whether or not you showed respect by staying and watching other teams. 
  
  All of these things sum up to whether or not you get invited/accepted back to the festival, whether or not you get a teaching/coaching gig somewhere down the road, and whether or not the word gets around that you should be considered to work with in the future elsewhere.
  
• You Must REALLY Want Go
  In order to be successful at anything, you must have a passion for it.  You should be willing to deal with anything that stand in the way of pursuing your passions.  Festivals test that passion for the reasons mentioned above.   If you want to showcase your art outside of your city/town and get better at your craft by seeing different style, disciplines, and approaches, you must put in the time to do so.

With those things said, I recommend the following the following rules of thumb when considering going to an improv festival:

• Ask Yourself Why You're Going
  Are you going to see something new?  Enhance your skills by taking a workshop or watching a hot team you've heard about?  Should you better go as a patron or as talent to achieve what you want?  Is your team so awesome that you have no choice but to showcase it?  Answering these questions should tell you whether or not to apply. 
  
• Commit To The Dates
  Back in the day there were only handful of festivals going on and they were peppered through the calendar year.  Now there are so many festivals, that it's inevitable you will double-book yourself or you'll forget about the dates adn forget to ask off of work, or some other preventable issue will arise blocking you from going.  If you plan to go a festival, put the dates in your calendar as to when you applied, when you expect to hear back, and when the actual festival dates are planned.  Don't book anything else for those weekends.
  
  I must admit this is the hardest thing for me to do personally.  I've double booked myself during festivals by either hedging the bets that things will work out in my favor or by performing marathon runs heading between 3 festivals in just a weekend.  I need to follow my own advice and honor what I'm committing to by applying somewhere and avoiding the temptation to "do it all".
  
• The Road Is Ruthless
  Traveling, living out of a suitcase or backpack, getting little no sleep and or exercise, eating like crap, and spending way too much money are the side effects of going to and performing at a festival.  The vast majority of festivals do not pay their performers so expect to pay your way to be there.  If you're not built to deal with these challenges, you probably shouldn't go.

What do you think about improv festivals?  Have you gone to any?  What was your experience?  Comment down below!