Championing the Underdog

One of the things  I remember growing up was my father calling me into his room, and lecturing me on the way the Yankees would win the next world series irrespective of whatever cruddy record they were having that year.  He would always say, "You see, I like to root for the underdog."  I would look at him, nod my head in agreement, and walk out of the room thinking, "My gawd man!  You're crazy!  The Yankees suck!  Why don't you root for the winner?"  Well, times have changed.  As I grow older and promise myself I would never turn out like my father, the more I see that he and I are much more alike than I like to give him credit for.

It turns out that I too like to champion  the underdog in many situations.  I love science fiction with dystopian societies where the protagonist must fight "The Man" to achieve some symbolic gesture of freedom.  I like getting into bands that everyone loved 5-10 years ago and now hate for some reason.  For this very reason I've now become a Limp Bizkit fan.  How best to rebel against our fickle musical culture?  Like a band that was written off 10 years ago.  I also like to romanticize celebrities that were vilified in the press like Kevin Federline or Michael Lohan.  It's so strange.

The folks that are underdogs have to show a lot of character to overcome public perceptions.  We as Americans like to kick people when they're up and hold them down once they fall.  We also love a good comeback story.  Just look at our obsession with Elvis!

I feel like an underdog a lot in my daily dealings.  I feel like I overcome a lot of my own judgements as well as what people expect of me.  I also know that in many situations I'm no longer considered an underdog and some people are waiting for me to fail at what I do.

Am I a bit delusional? Probably.  But it's an engine of motivation that I use to compel me to do great things.  The only difference is that I'm learning that I need to change the oil of the engine to perform actions for myself and not others.  People will always hate it when you succeed.  I must learn to succeed and truly ignore that negativity and just focus on the positive results I want.  Maybe if I do that, the underdog in me will lay down and sleep finally.

Social Media Withdrawl - Day 2

Today was a better day so far without my social media crutch.  Had a good family day with the Velazco clan and a couple of friends from their city and their child.  In preparation, we cleaned up 3/5 of the house so there is that much less work to do.  I also got to work a little bit on preparing for tomorrow's rehearsal.  Overall, I feel a little lighter on my feet. Whoo hoo!

Social Media Withdrawl - Day 1

Since my last post yesterday,I can feel the pull of habit creeping into my online routine:

-->power on the computer

-->log in

-->fire up Firefox

-->allow Echofon to refresh with my Twitter updates

-->click on my Facebook bookmark and check the upper left part of the toolbar to tell me 2-3 people like my post, comment, link, or status

-->proceed through the timeline to see what everybody else is up to

-->scan my tweets to see if there is anything worthwhile the people I'm following are doing

-->contemplate posting something of my own.

By the end of the day, I've spent 2-3 hours minimum on repeating this routine. Then this normally happens:

-->I feel foolish spending so much time online

-->I get angry with myself that I have "nothing of interest" to post that I begin plotting a way creating content.

-->It's late so I'm either too tired or not interested in making noise or having to put equipment together to make the content. So, nothing gets done.

Repeat the cycle.

This morning when I powered up, I had to break up my flow.  It's a little bit more difficult than I anticipated.  I have all of these thoughts that just remain with me for now. However, I have logged out of my accounts, deleted my bookmarks, and have been exercising my will power.   Let's see how long I last.

Taking a Vacation From Myself

The last couple of weeks have been rather intense for me. I had a little blow up with a colleague of mine on the phone ranting and raving about how my life was in this weird place.  Granted it was exacerbated by being incredibly hungry at the time and I was unable to put my emotions in perspective while I verbally destroyed everything around me.  After I ate, I was like, "Maybe things really aren't as bad as I am making them out to be." *DUH!*

The episode forced me to put my current life in perspective a bit and I had to make a decision.  I have the uncanny knack of investing myself into efforts that require a ton of time and commitment to only to become resentful because I over commit myself to them and feel alone in keeping those efforts alive.  Per my previous posting, I tend to operate at a different level than most people.  It's not to say I'm better or more deserving of people's praise (if only it were that easy) but it's just to say that finding like-minded people in intensity is difficult to do be it theatre, work, or family.  It's 100% my issue the way I feel at times and I've come to re-realization that the common thread to these type of unfulfilling situations is me.

So, to resolve the issue, I'm backing off on a lot of creative endeavors that are taking time away from the core stuff I need to focus on.   My ego is taking a big bruising by admitting that I'm not strong enough to do everything for everyone, but ultimately, I know that I'm falling apart.  Luckily I've started talking a bit more to folks I'm doing stuff with all around my life and getting a ton of support so that really helps (thank you all).  I hate being vague here, but there is no need for me to get into specifics.

I'm also taking a brief sabbatical from my social network (other than to projects I have to promote).  I think I'll stick with email and blogging right now.  With the shape my mind is in right now, I can't allow my mind wonder into areas of trying to compete with people in their own artistic achievements.   Instead of being happy for them, I'm reflecting badly on myself as to "why I'm not doing XYZ?"  That's no way to be and is a disservice to both me and the people I'm reading about.

So, I'm chilling out.  Is that possible?  Yes, for brief periods.  I hope to learn more about myself in this next round so that I can make these chillisodes last a lot longer every time and I don't get all bent out of shape.

I love you all.

Being the Calm Collected One - Not Me!

I love watching action movies where there's a bank robbery scene and everyone's on the floor cowering for cover.  The camera fixates itself on the hero of the flick plotting and waiting for his opportunity to take out the would-be bank robbers without putting himself or anyone else in danger.  When the opportunity arises, the slow-motion action star gets up off the floor, disables his nearest opponent, takes his gun, wraps his arm around his foe's neck, and uses him as a shield as he back his way towards the door let everyone out while he sprays the bad guys with bullets.  As shots are fired back, not one round scratches our hero because not only does he have ex-covert ops military training but Lady Luck is on his side as well.  He perfectly finishes the enemy with bullet holes in the bad guys' heads (center of the forehead) and discharges the smoking cartridge from his weapon.  He then looks at his love interest barely getting up after the melee and smiles.  His love interest winks at him and says, "Well, that's one way of getting my attention!" The camera pans out of the scene as police rush in unnecessarily and get the people out to cheering crowd.  Triumphant music plays as our hero drapes himself with his woman and an American flag.  Fade to black.

Too bad none of that shite happens in real life...

I used to think I am a level-headed person when I get into a crisis.  I'd pride myself as a leader of sort when looking at the flight attendant's eyes and saying to her, "Yes.  I've heard the instructions on the placard and can life more than 20 lbs. in the event of an emergency."  I would watch Lost and say, "Oh, I could do Jack's job.  Lead these fawkers off the island?  Noooooo problem."  Who the fawk am I kidding?!

I am learning more and more that if everything is cruising quite nicely, I make an excellent leader.  If a few things go wrong and there are bumps on the way, I'm still a pretty good leader.  But if the shite goes down within 2-3 seconds, I'm a freakin' useless idiot as I go through 7 emotions as once and my mind races to the most negative thought I can think regarding the situation.  It kinds sucks having to come to that realization as I now recognize that I'm becoming even more mortal in my older age.

It got me thinking.  You never know how you'll react until you put yourself into those situations where you test your inner will to survive and thrive.  Things that fall into this category for me:

What would I do if just saw a horrific traffic accident and see that a car is on fire?  Would I go out of my way to save the person?

If a gunman was holding my family hostage, would I try to be the hero or would I beg and plead for them to leave us alone?

I'm in a car that goes off a cliff into the sea.  Would I be clam enough to remember that the power windows and locks work even a car is submerged or would I try to kick out the back window in vain?

Would I sacrifice myself to the aliens that come down and try to take everyone I hold dear to me back to their planet for mating purposes?  Would I ever utter the line, "If you want someone to mate with...cot damn it...take me...just leave them out of it."?

It's hard to say.  I get mind flustered on simple shite like the air conditioner breaking or my  basement flooding.  I can't get my brain to calm down when I think Lola's gone missing on one of her sunbathing expeditions. I never associated myself with someone who would panic in a situation.  Now I've learned that I would.

I need to work on being calm, collected, and fearless.  Living in the moment is going to be the best way of doing it.  Off to the bank!