If you've ever followed any of my social media, you would have seen by now the hashtag #IKnowMyWorth trailing some recent announcement, rant, (not so) humblebrag, or "astute" observation. Recently, an article was published where I got a subtle nod about its usage and I it inspired me to write about why I use it so ubiquitously.
#IWILLBEGREATERTHAN
A few years ago I was in a long-form musical team with a fantastic group of actors. I would say I was a novice to intermediary player at the time and was still getting used to the idea that I could maybe have some success doing the whole improv things. The more senior players on the team played multiple shows a week for the theatre we were playing at and forced me to have to buckle down to answer "What kind of player am I?" We were so full of talent; we had the zany guy, the super smart and wickedly funny girl, the power duo that could anchor the entire show by themselves if they wanted, and the stupidly skilled musical genius who can stop a show with a rousing number. I needed to figure out where I fit in. Through the rehearsal process, I met TJ Medel.
TJ was new to this level of improv gawdliness too. He was (and still is) super talented in his ability to not only act but to hold the attention of a crowd. I felt like I could learn a lot from watching and playing with him and we could rise together in the ranks of the improv malaise known as "Making It in Chicago".
One night we were driving back to his place after rehearsal and I had noticed through social media that he had been using the hashtag #IWillBeGreaterThan on a pretty frequent basis so I asked him about it. The short story was that he had a falling out with someone who told him he wouldn't amount to anything by pursuing his artistic passions; it hurt him so much to feel so disrespected and unsupported, he used that pain to fuel his artistic endeavors to become successes and show her that he will "be greater than" anything she could've expected or even dream of him doing. I completely resonated with that story because I operate along the same lines in taking adversity and turning it into something positive as a big FU to those who doubted me. Little did I know how that story would manifest a new hashtag later down the line.
The Set-Up
Fast-forward to a couple of years ago. I hooked up with a new crew of actors doing long-form improvisation over at a major theatre in Chicago on a regular basis (yes, I'm keeping it vague on purpose!). Artistically I was now at a different personal space having worked hard to establish a number of indie teams and toured a bit around the nation performing and teaching workshops; thus, I've had time to hone in on what my "voice" was, i.e. be able to succinctly articulate and perform the kind of improv I enjoyed doing. The group I was playing with had a varying degree of talent ranging from experienced to beginner, and due to how the operation was being run, coaches were swapped in and out roughly ever 6-8 weeks. My hope was that by showing that I could handle myself on stage, being supportive and attentive during rehearsals, and being social off-stage, I would be given an opportunity to show what I could do as a coach. And guess what - the opportunity DID present itself!
Sort of.
I had spoken with the powers-that-be about me helming workshops on musical improv for the team. I knew it'd be a good fit since I had already been teaching it on a regular basis and had experience performing it for the last 10 years. I was given a date and was ecstatic about doing it.
The date was a few weeks away from the initial planning and I had begun formulating an approach for the workshop. As we got closer to the date, my Spidey Sense was going off and told me to go check out the team calendar they had set up with all of our show dates, rehearsals, and workshops reflected. I went to the date of my workshop and saw an entry there - but with someone else leading it.
The person leading the musical workshop was totally capable of doing so but they had pulled them in from outside of the rank-and-file team members to help; this person lacked the personal history with the actors to assess individual skills and cater the workshop to take advantage people's strengths while helping their weaknesses. In time, yes, they would get to know these pesky details but why not go with someone who was already up to speed? I had sacrificed a lot of personal time, money, and effort to be a contributing member to the team and felt like I got slapped in the face. They didn't even bother to notify me about the change.
So, after allowing some time to pass, I put together a simple message asking the producer, "For the musical workshop, I see that X is leading it. Is that correct?" I got back something to the effect of, "Yes. They'll be leading that workshop." I waited roughly half an hour for some kind of elaboration or reasoning behind the decision. It never came. So, I wrote back, "Thank you", closed the window, and decided immediately that it would be the last time I would be working with the team.
I forgot to mention that were doing a ton of regular rehearsal to play in shows in large teams for roughly 15 minutes every other week on an off-night. Over time the quality of instruction was inconsistent and rehearsals felt sluggish due to early morning start times and actors being actors the night before performing, rehearsing, or just plain actually having a social life outside of improv. I was spending roughly 8 hours a month rehearsing to play a maximum of 30 minutes (with up to 10 other people). To add insult, even though though we were supposed to be headlining all of our shows, we would have openers that would either have more stage time than us or would actually play after we got off stage (way to headline, y'all!). All of these small inconveniences and personal grumbles compounded over time, and I was ready to allow some other transgression to make me throw in the towel on the whole endeavor. That workshop substitution move satisfied the requirement.
The Punchline (#IKNOWMYWORTH)
If there is one thing I've learned is that success is the best revenge. When I was younger I would obsess about getting even with people I felt wronged me; I would put together elaborate plots of intricate payback in my head and play scenarios over and over in my head in great detail. Vast amounts of energy were spent plotting the demise of others - most of which never came to fruition. With the passage of time and gaining life experience (along with some much needed therapy), I've learned to manage my anger more and channel it into more productive ways. Now I admit that this isn't necessarily the best approach for my mental health overall but I get turned on by the idea of getting a fire lit under my arse to overcome adversity and imagining my haters talking schnizz behind my back despite their bets efforts to block me. They may not actually be foaming at the mouth to wish ill will on me, but I use the semi-fictitious narrative to propel me forward (I really need to go back to therapy).
I decided at this point to commit myself even more to reaching milestones that automatically garnered respect from my peers; that included teaching/coaching in major institutions, performing and leading lucrative workshops across the nation, producing new shows, and picking up hard-to-find skills in the community such as musical directing. In conversations with my close friends about my feelings, I kept repeating, "I know my worth. I don't need this." After what felt like the billionth time saying it, I suddenly remembered TJ's story and thought, "We've got similar MOs [methods of operation]. I'm going to pay homage to my homie." Thus, #IKnowMyWorth has become branded on a majority of my social media posts so that sucka producers are aware that I've got the ambition to overcome them when they decide to become gatekeepers to my future.
#IWILLBEGREATERTHAN
 |
| TJ & Me |
TJ was new to this level of improv gawdliness too. He was (and still is) super talented in his ability to not only act but to hold the attention of a crowd. I felt like I could learn a lot from watching and playing with him and we could rise together in the ranks of the improv malaise known as "Making It in Chicago".
One night we were driving back to his place after rehearsal and I had noticed through social media that he had been using the hashtag #IWillBeGreaterThan on a pretty frequent basis so I asked him about it. The short story was that he had a falling out with someone who told him he wouldn't amount to anything by pursuing his artistic passions; it hurt him so much to feel so disrespected and unsupported, he used that pain to fuel his artistic endeavors to become successes and show her that he will "be greater than" anything she could've expected or even dream of him doing. I completely resonated with that story because I operate along the same lines in taking adversity and turning it into something positive as a big FU to those who doubted me. Little did I know how that story would manifest a new hashtag later down the line.
The Set-Up
 |
| Meme captured and designed by Angela Heid |
Sort of.
I had spoken with the powers-that-be about me helming workshops on musical improv for the team. I knew it'd be a good fit since I had already been teaching it on a regular basis and had experience performing it for the last 10 years. I was given a date and was ecstatic about doing it.
The date was a few weeks away from the initial planning and I had begun formulating an approach for the workshop. As we got closer to the date, my Spidey Sense was going off and told me to go check out the team calendar they had set up with all of our show dates, rehearsals, and workshops reflected. I went to the date of my workshop and saw an entry there - but with someone else leading it.
#DaFuq?
The person leading the musical workshop was totally capable of doing so but they had pulled them in from outside of the rank-and-file team members to help; this person lacked the personal history with the actors to assess individual skills and cater the workshop to take advantage people's strengths while helping their weaknesses. In time, yes, they would get to know these pesky details but why not go with someone who was already up to speed? I had sacrificed a lot of personal time, money, and effort to be a contributing member to the team and felt like I got slapped in the face. They didn't even bother to notify me about the change.
So, after allowing some time to pass, I put together a simple message asking the producer, "For the musical workshop, I see that X is leading it. Is that correct?" I got back something to the effect of, "Yes. They'll be leading that workshop." I waited roughly half an hour for some kind of elaboration or reasoning behind the decision. It never came. So, I wrote back, "Thank you", closed the window, and decided immediately that it would be the last time I would be working with the team.
I forgot to mention that were doing a ton of regular rehearsal to play in shows in large teams for roughly 15 minutes every other week on an off-night. Over time the quality of instruction was inconsistent and rehearsals felt sluggish due to early morning start times and actors being actors the night before performing, rehearsing, or just plain actually having a social life outside of improv. I was spending roughly 8 hours a month rehearsing to play a maximum of 30 minutes (with up to 10 other people). To add insult, even though though we were supposed to be headlining all of our shows, we would have openers that would either have more stage time than us or would actually play after we got off stage (way to headline, y'all!). All of these small inconveniences and personal grumbles compounded over time, and I was ready to allow some other transgression to make me throw in the towel on the whole endeavor. That workshop substitution move satisfied the requirement.
The Punchline (#IKNOWMYWORTH)
 |
| I KNOW MY WORTH!!! |
I decided at this point to commit myself even more to reaching milestones that automatically garnered respect from my peers; that included teaching/coaching in major institutions, performing and leading lucrative workshops across the nation, producing new shows, and picking up hard-to-find skills in the community such as musical directing. In conversations with my close friends about my feelings, I kept repeating, "I know my worth. I don't need this." After what felt like the billionth time saying it, I suddenly remembered TJ's story and thought, "We've got similar MOs [methods of operation]. I'm going to pay homage to my homie." Thus, #IKnowMyWorth has become branded on a majority of my social media posts so that sucka producers are aware that I've got the ambition to overcome them when they decide to become gatekeepers to my future.
