Saturday, January 31, 2015

It's All About The Numbers...

I have to admit that waiting around for acceptance confirmation from a local improv festival has been nerve-racking.  I submitted two groups; one got in and the other, which got submitted to two different categories, has been rejected for one and no word from the other.  Being on Facebook sucks because I see all kinds of groups announcing their acceptance but I have yet to sit and wait.  I'm incredibly anxious - I just want to know yay or nay.

I got to thinking about it and asked myself, "Why do you put so much stock into it?"  It's because deep down inside I feel it would be a small bit of respect and validation to what it is that I do.  I can't deny I want the respect and validation from my colleagues even when I shouldn't.  When I do shows, audiences are entertained, people get more than their money's worth, my peers who do see the show love it, and I feel a huge sense of satisfaction.

Yet...

I strive to be deemed "worthy" by the cool kids :(.  I hate that I feel this way.  It's coming from a deeper sense of never feeling good enough.  And I know that even if we do get into the festival the way I'd like, I may not be ready to shake this feeling.

I'm hyper-focused on it right now because I don't have anything else truly eating up my thoughts.  I remember when I was in my training days doing 5 shows at the same time.  It may not have been my best work in any one show because my focus was spread pretty thin; however, I loved it because I felt wanted and if I had a bad night/rehearsal with one, I didn't dwell on it because I had 4 other chances to do good work.  I was too busy to give a fawk.

At the same time, being so busy may have been masking this sense of emptiness I feel when I've got 1 or 2 projects going on.  I have to find a peace regardless of what I'm working on and just "know" that I'm good enough no matter what others may think.  I have my moments where it's possible but it's never permanent.

So, I'll continue working on feeling worthy and loving myself even if I perceive the rest of the world doesn't recognize it.  I do hold onto the hope that one day it'll happen the way I want it to; maybe, it already has and my narcicism/pride/ego get in the way of seeing it.  At least, I'll avoid jumping into more projects just to fill up that hole I feel.

Sorry end on a downer.  I'll lick my wounds, process, and move on :)