Monday, October 15, 2012

Oh The Guilt...

OK. I'm not 100% sure about putting this out into the web of trolls and daemons but I need to find an outlet for these feelings and I have yet to get a shrink.

My father recently had glaucoma surgery after it was revealed that he needed to do this before getting cataract surgery.  So, we set it up for him to get his surgery performed while my brother was here.  He went through a week of recovery with my brother present and a week without us while we tried to get him some help from a home care professional group.  little did we know that trying to get people to act quickly to help him out would be impossible (I predict a blog rant on health care in the near future).  So, as a result of the lack of consistent care for his eye and Dad fawking with it, he erase all of the progress in that eye and is on the verge of being blind.

Great.

The basic feeling I am harboring right now is guilt.  I feel guilty that my Dad is in this state and my inaction to directly be involved in his life contributed to it.  There's guilt that he's in pain.  I feel guilty that I can't bring myself to tell him this now to his face and like a coward instead am writing it on my cot damn blog.  I feel guilty that my Mom had to support my Dad all be herself and that as a result it killed her spirit to live for herself.  I feel guilty that all alternatives that we have to give my Dad care are all pretty much bad choices and I am going to help make decisions on his behalf that are probably in his best interest but in the end are against his will.  I also feel guilty that my Wifey has had to hold down the fort for almost two weeks straight with the kiddos.  Oh...and my best friend pulled a lot of strings to try to connect this week and now I have renege on the plans to care for my father (he's cool with it and understands but it still sucks).

Logically, I know that I am only responsible for myself; Dad played a 98% part in ending up in this situation.  He fought tooth and nail to allow people to help him and be an actual part of his life.  My step brothers and sisters don't talk to him anymore, he pushed away his immediate family for a long time, and now that he's really in trouble, he all of a sudden is going along with our decisions.  Even knowing what part he played in all of this, I can't help feeling this way.

So, I am going to take it one hour at a time and focus on good things that have resulted thus far.  At least I have:
  • helped put into motion the actions to try to give my Dad a better quality of life.
  • teamed up with my brother and in-laws on this.
  • utilized the time to reconnect with my feelings even if I don't like them right now.  I feel like I am confronting my deepest issues right now.  I have been more honest about how I am feeling with people lately and that is a good thing even if some may construe it me whining/complaining/being week.
  • been writing A LOT more.  I'm on a crazy writer's trip.
As a friend of mine said, "Nelson is the bomb."  Yep. I'm the bomb.

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