The last couple of weeks have been rather intense for me. I had a little blow up with a colleague of mine on the phone ranting and raving about how my life was in this weird place. Granted it was exacerbated by being incredibly hungry at the time and I was unable to put my emotions in perspective while I verbally destroyed everything around me. After I ate, I was like, "Maybe things really aren't as bad as I am making them out to be." *DUH!*
The episode forced me to put my current life in perspective a bit and I had to make a decision. I have the uncanny knack of investing myself into efforts that require a ton of time and commitment to only to become resentful because I over commit myself to them and feel alone in keeping those efforts alive. Per my previous posting, I tend to operate at a different level than most people. It's not to say I'm better or more deserving of people's praise (if only it were that easy) but it's just to say that finding like-minded people in intensity is difficult to do be it theatre, work, or family. It's 100% my issue the way I feel at times and I've come to re-realization that the common thread to these type of unfulfilling situations is me.
So, to resolve the issue, I'm backing off on a lot of creative endeavors that are taking time away from the core stuff I need to focus on. My ego is taking a big bruising by admitting that I'm not strong enough to do everything for everyone, but ultimately, I know that I'm falling apart. Luckily I've started talking a bit more to folks I'm doing stuff with all around my life and getting a ton of support so that really helps (thank you all). I hate being vague here, but there is no need for me to get into specifics.
I'm also taking a brief sabbatical from my social network (other than to projects I have to promote). I think I'll stick with email and blogging right now. With the shape my mind is in right now, I can't allow my mind wonder into areas of trying to compete with people in their own artistic achievements. Instead of being happy for them, I'm reflecting badly on myself as to "why I'm not doing XYZ?" That's no way to be and is a disservice to both me and the people I'm reading about.
So, I'm chilling out. Is that possible? Yes, for brief periods. I hope to learn more about myself in this next round so that I can make these chillisodes last a lot longer every time and I don't get all bent out of shape.
I love you all.